Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I'm in Marine Corps Ball Hell!!!

I've been feverishly knitting for more than a month and dieting for over two months.  I'm almost done with the "sultry vixen" shawl (Lana Grossa pattern with mohair).  What every made me think a shawl made out of goat would be elegant? I know I won't be wearing it to the Ball. It will be reserved for special occasions like watching TV in the den or for letting the dog in and out to do her business...preferably in the dark.  :)  I lost 20 lbs. and even crammed into a pair of Spanx, I am no where near "sultry vixen" status.  Thank God this is the last Marine Corps Ball and he's retiring because this morning I woke up and my upper right lip was twitching. Coincidence?  

The Commadant's Marine Corps Ball is just 4 days away!!  Yesterday I came to the realization that the $25.00 dress looks like crap on me and that the tailor had no clue where my breasts were really located. She apparently thought mine would be best situated somewhere between the top of my shoulder and my collar bone.  I re-tried on all my old gowns.  If only the ball were another 4 weeks or ten pounds away, I could wear something I already have. The black evening gown I have with the tags still on it still makes me look like Elvira Mistress of the Dark.  The gold one can be zipped up now but without tensile strength testing the fabric it would be too risky to wear in public.  You could launch an F-18 off an aircraft carrier if that fabric ripped.  The blue one looks like something Crystal Carrington wore in "Dynasty".

The first ball gown I ever wore (a size 8 black satin-y strapless Jessica McClintock) has been cut up and turned into an American Girl Doll dress.  She looks smoking hot in it.  What fabric is left over is going into a crazy quilt.  Since it is unlikely the Commadant will push his Ball back to December, I dragged my sorry rump to David's Bridal (one final act of desperation before hiring an escort to go to the Ball with my husband.)   

At first I tried to find a strapless bra to help align the "girls" with the darts and seams on the dress.  The clerk brought out two $80.00 contraptions I didn't have the strength to get into.  At this point, I'm thinking why, why, why do I put myself through this when I heard the young woman in the next fitting room talking to a friend on her cell phone. When she said "if I don't eat for 3 days, it will fit," my first thought was she's going to the Ball too!!  My second thought was "what a lucky b%#*&@ she only has to diet for 3 days." 

So then I started looking at what was on the racks at David's Bridal.  If you rule out anything that requires a strapless bra, you are pretty much only left with the Bea Arthur heavily beaded mother or grandmother of the bride look.

Came across a black a-line skirt...SOLD!  Had no idea what I'd wear with it but what is the Marine Corps expression? Adapt, overcome, improvise!!!  Or the Marine Wife slogan "Semper Gumby!!!"

I get the skirt home and discover the zipper is coming apart from the skirt.  Of course it is. God is testing me.  I fixed it. Did you think I was going to take it to the same tailor? :)

Last night a retired Marine wife friend  of mine invited me to shop in her closet of retired Marine Corps Ball paraphernalia.  She called it her "Closet Boutique". I tried on half a dozen gowns and evening separates.  She has a black top that looks like it was meant to go with the black skirt.  Normally I can't wear just black.  I need some color.  Black makes me look like a old time European widow doing her year of mourning.













Maybe I'll get my hair cut shorter before the Ball because doing something drastic before a big event is always a wise decision :)   Okay that's all I have to say today.  Now I have to go on Webmd.com to research nervous twitches.  I've got this Elvis lip curly sneer going on right now.  Thank you, thank you very much :) 

1 comment:

Rilly said...

Whatever you do I'm sure you'll pull it off just fine. Me personally??? I'd hire a stand-in...or stay within arms length of the bar. ;D